I was not there in 1991 when my daughter Crystal was born. I was 17 and had been living on my own after getting kicked out of the house by my step-father when I was 15. I was ejected from my home for many reasons, some of them my fault, some of them not. But the numero uno reason I was told to leave was for my refusal to move to a tiny town in North Carolina during my sophomore year in school. But this story is not about that, though an important aspect of why I am writing this. I had been living on my own for two years and had no one else to rely on but myself to provide sustenance and shelter. I was living in my own apartment with very unreliable room-mates. I was working six nights a week from right after school until 3o'clock in the morning just to make the minimum wage I was being paid. My only day off was Wednesday and as soon as I got home from school, I slept. It was hard. I would go weeks at a time eating nothing but rice with mustard or ketchup, you know, just to mix it up a little. Ramen noodles were also in the mix. Cheap as I could live.
I believe it was a Sunday night when I got the call. Crystal was on her way into the world. I was scared. I was unsure. I wanted to be there when she was born. So I called my manager and told her what was about to happen. I asked her to try and find someone to take my place so I could make it to the hospital. The heartless bitch told me, "The only person to fill in for you would be me, and I am not about to drive into work right now." I pleaded with her and even threatened to just leave because the other guy I was working with said he would be more than happy to handle the store so I could be a part of the birth of my daughter. She explained to me that if I did that, I would be unemployed. Being without a job at that point in my life was not an option. I was already barely making it week to week and if I had to find another job, it was pretty much a guarantee I would find myself hungry and homeless. So, much to my disappointment, I was not there for the birth of my daughter, who will be turning 22 this April.
Crystal's mother got married when my daughter was very young. She grew up thinking her step dad was her real dad, and for a while, I was alright with that. I had no instinct for being a father, being so young, and the only examples I had of being a father were not ideal. My real father was an alcoholic and my step dad hated me. I know that I should have "manned up" but as I said, her step dad was more than willing to be that positive role model in her life. But Crystal has always been very bright and she knew something was, well, different. When I did have opportunities to see her, I was always Uncle Mike, but I believe she knew there was a different connection between us. When her mother felt she was old enough to handle the truth, Crystal and I had a long talk on my grand mother's front porch. We talked for a long time and though she never said it, I felt as though she already knew. We cried as we talked and vowed to get to know each other better, though we didn't spend the time that, looking back, I would have liked to have. Now that I am older, there are so many regrets I have. Decisions I made I wish I could change. I know that I should have and could have been a much better father to her, but fear is a very powerful thing. Now, fast forward 21 years...
February, 2012 brought the birth of my son, Tucker. Twenty one years after Crystal was born. Being a part of every step of his life has been such a joy. I mean, the kid was laughing in his sleep less than 6 hours after he was born. He is just a happy baby. Right now, he is sick going through his first bought with being ill and though he has been pretty sick, the kid still smiles and laughs between coughs. But, during this past year, I have realized just how much I missed with Crystal. I know I cannot turn back the hands of time and change things, but in a way, I feel like I can do things right by her by being an involved father with Tucker. I love them both so very much and in a way, I feel like I can redeem myself by being there every step of the way as he grows up. Being a dad is the greatest gift I have ever been given, and unlike the first gift I was blessed with, I will spend every waking moment working at being the best dad I can be. I spent my twenties being very selfish, but now, I have no other desire than to provide the best life I can provide my little man, to be selfless and humble. To be a dad and loving husband, not just a father, and a positive role model is the goal I now strive for. To teach by example and show Tucker how to be a good man, that is what I live for.
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